BLESSINGS

Growing old takes a lot of courage, especially when faced with dimentia and loss of independance. I admire this in the elderly. They are very spiritual in the sense that they are at the end of this journey and are very aware of it. Working in a Nursing Home is a like a practical experience of spirituality in action. For instance, imagine feeling disoriented because you can't see very well or hear what's around you, or you just don't remember where you are or how you got here, or think you are where you are but you are stuck in a memory...another time. And a stranger walks into your room and tells you it's time to get up for breakfast. Your body is stiff and sore and you don't really understand what's going, you can't remember anything, or worse, you remember and wonder why you can't go home. but are helpless and unable to do anything about it. The fear and anxiety sets in. As usual I begin my morning getting people up out of bed, and washed and dressed for breakfast, starting at 7am. I look in on one old woman and see she is confused and worried and not sure of where she is or what she ought to be doing. She's blind and has only been with us for a few months. "I thought nobody would come and I was all alone," she says in a distraught voice. "Thank you for coming". I reassure her that she is never alone and we are always here. "Are you going to look after me"? she asks. Yes sweety, I'm going to look after you. "Oh you are a beautiful girl, I love you....we've known each other a long time haven't we...." she says. Yes, a very long time, I say. At that moment the exchange feels eternal, soul to soul and I just stay still with that awareness while looking into her eyes and there is a beautiful connection. She teaches me to come from truth, she reminds me who I am. For that moment there is no separation between old or young , no male or female, no nurse and patiient, no bodily titles, no ego. And the vision keeps extending out into the world. No race, no borders, no boundaries.....the soul is unlimited, When I become aware of myself as a soul , that very thought fills me with the vibration of peace. And very few words are needed after that, in a kind of sacred silence we carry on together and get ready for the day. OM SHANTI....I the soul am peaceful.

SACRED SILENCE

It's warming up...today was somewhere in the mid twenties where I would like it to stay! My daughter and her boyfriend suggested a picnic today and that sounded good to me. We packed up some fruit(lots of strawberries), some cheese and crackers and off we went to the beach. It's still quiet here as the tourist season hasn't started yet and I love having this time to enjoy it's emptiness. It was a day to do nothing, just feel the sand with my feet and smell the lake breeze coming off the water. Saffron and Talenn were curled up quietly reading Wuthering Heights aloud to each other. I suddenly realized how busy I was for the last 3 days and I wasn't even working! So this quieting down was being met with "I should be doing something". I was remembering something I read in a book by Marianne Williamson called Everyday Grace. She talked about a pseudo-Buddhist graffito she saw once that read, "Don't just do something----sit here!" Where the ego would have us believe we should be doing something, the soul would have us remember just to" be", to quiet down and bring our energy back into ourselves towards inner peace. "Yet the most powerful life is not one in which we bring ourselves back to our center when we have spun away from it, but rather one in which we seek to live from that center at all times. A moment of sacred silence is our cosmic reset button". That silence comes with releasing the need to be "seen" or to perform or be clever and clears the way for souls to shine within, and reflect that peace back out into the world.

"....within himself man has no needs, for light needs nothing but to shine in peace and from itself, to let the rays extend in the quiet to all directions."

Biking

Biking
Originally uploaded by soulvision.

I set off on my bike for a ride down the Kettle Valley Railway bed, this time with a camera that I borrowed again. It was a beautiful day and I had fun taking pictures, my second camera adventure! These pictures are of places I mentioned in my earlier Blog "The Ride".

The Face

The Face
Originally uploaded by soulvision.

COURAGE

I went cycling as soon as I got home from work today, it was just too nice outside to think about groceries or making supper. My daughter was not impressed, her feathers a little ruffled! Mom has been pretty devoted for the last 16 years, and I still am, Saffron just can't see it yet. I'm just learning to see it. Going off by myself and riding is a love, one I have only recently allowed myself. Over this last year, it feels like the role I have been playing as "mom" is shifting, bringing with it many new changes and realizations. Ego can be like a mask we wear to play a role, maybe to hide who we are from others and on a more subtle level, to hide who we are from ourselves. It's there to protect us from getting hurt, only usually does the opposite. It seems that life's journey is a shedding of those masks as life grows us, until there is no mask at all. Sometimes it gets ripped away, sometimes it is replaced and sometimes it just doesn't fit anymore or we don't need it and are ready to let it go. There is an ego death, and along with that comes newness. I was forgetting to see the newness. There was not as much fear taking off the mask as there was seeing what was undernearth. It felt like there was nothing there, and that was hard to " face." GraduallyI found courage. A few months ago, I didn't think I could write a blog, because for me, putting my thoughts out there for me to see, even if no one else reads them, was scary. I didn't think I could take pictures...I am learning. It takes courage to let go of self-imposed limitations and to see this in others is inspiring and I am grateful. " Courage is required to climb your own internal mountains of self doubt and all those feelings that you are not good enough. This is the courage that creates heroes. Invisible and unsung heroes, taking on their mountains, and quietly inspiring others to reach for their own personal peaks.."

LETTING GO

I was thinking about the Buddhist philosophy of impermanence today. Everything changes, nothing stays the same. Suffering results from trying to hold on to what must change. We hold on to things for security or happiness, fearing loss, and then we become trapped in a web of attachment where loss is inevitable because nothing can remain the same! Where there is attachment there is dependencey. This makes letting go a challenge, but what are we really letting go of? This is a quote from"The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying".

"Consider, for a moment, that your hand is closed tightly around a coin. If you stretch out your arm and let go of the coin, palm down, it falls to the gound and you lose it. If you do the same thing with your palm facing up, you let it go yet it remains with you."

Letting go does not always mean having to lose something, we just lose the dependency on it.

Journey to the Heart

Solitary Heart
Originally uploaded by soulvision.

It was a magical moment when I found this heart shaped stone. Just as I was about to click the camera, a little trickle of water flowed out of the Heart like a teardrop. Is it human weakness or human strength? I saw that the Heart can bleed and remain strong at the same time. It felt healing as though it was giving me permission to live and love more deeply.
I was remembering this small part of a poem from the "Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran.

"But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears."

INNER BEAUTY

Shape clay into a vessel;
It is the space within that makes it useful.
Without going outside,
you may know the whole world.
Without looking through the windows,
you may see the ways of Heaven.

The Tao Te Ching, Lao Tsu

The early morning hours are the most peaceful hours for sitting in meditation. Sometimes I walk. I love to find something inspiring to read, then take that thought and reflect on it...the experience comes on it's own. This poem was intoxicating!
I've been amazed by this seemingly constant duality between vessel/space within, body/soul, limited/unlimited, happiness/sorrow. The inward journey of the soul and the outward journey in the world. This is something I read from a book called "Mission of Love" by Roger Cole.

....Returning the smile, I greeted her and sat down. "Margo, you seem completely absorbed in the beauty of your garden." Still smiling through soft grey eyes, she replied,"No, it is the beauty of my self that I am absorbed in." She sighed happily and continued.
In all the years that I have loved nature, I never realised it was my "self" that I was appreciating. I would go to the forest to feel peaceful, the sea to find beauty or the mountains to experience wonder. Every time I went somewhere like this I would become happy and uplifted.
"Only now have I understood why. I have realised that what I experienced in relation to nature was within myself. When I went to these places all the conflicts and problems of my life disappeared temporarily. When I looked in awe at a mountain the sight was free from sentiment, yet I experienced wonder."
I must have been looking puzzled.
"Don't you see," she said. "The wonder was not in the mountain, it ws in me! When we go to these places we become free from all the superficialo things of life. This freedom makes our spirit happy and we experience love, peace and simplicity. If we could only learn to listen to our spirit then we could remain absorbed in its beauty." She paused, slightly breathles from her lung disease.
"For all my life I have been dependent on nature to be happy. At least up until now. It is as if I was searching on the outside for what made me feel good on the inside. You discover your soul when you find and appreciate your inner beauty. We must take peace from the forest and own it, because in truth it really belongs to us. Nature's gift is what it awakens in us."

sage and clay

sage and clay
Originally uploaded by soulvision.

THE RIDE

On my days off I go for long rides on my bike. I cycled out past Naramata yesterday....there and back probably about45km's. It was one of those rides you could keep going and going, just a light breeze and a perfect 12 degrees. There is a trail called the Kettle Valley Railway, the old railway bed that runs thru the Valley here and is no longer in use. It connects to the Trans Cananda Trail as well so you could keep going and going....I only really discovered these trails this year. The ride towards Naramata has a slight hill upgrade of maybe 1 to 2? percent so you need to have a little bit of push, and coming back is easy sailing. It' s quite bumpy, rocky, sandy, hilly, mucky in spots so it's always interesting. The scenery is absolutely stunning.....and this inspired me to pick up my camera one day, an old instamatic. And the next day I borrowed my brothers digital camera, and with some much needed help, got them on my computor. Now I' m thinking this could be fun! Should I buy one?
Spring is coming on very fast and I see the changes daily. As I rode out of town even the air was fuller with that fresh green smell. The Trail is high above Okanagan Lake, and follows along it' s shores all the way, that in itself is a spectacular sight. This strectch is mostly clay bank, and lots of Sage Brush, which to me is the fragrance of the Okanagan. It's a lot of fun to scramble along the banks here on foot and hike down to the lakeshore where there are a few empty beaches. There are interesting formations of clay on this hillside, like hoodoos. Back to the Trail, then I pass thru several km's of Orchard and Vineyard, the trees are beginning to push out swollen buds and soon to be laden with masses of flowers. And as I go farther and higher up I come to the most gorgeous display of rock as the terrain becomes more mountainous. There is so much color here, with the rock covered in mosses and sprayed with unbelievable colors, rusty oranges and rich cumin yellows. And the formations are stunning.... cracked, shattered, layered, wedged. One can feel the huge force that split and shifted this rock and left it behind like pieces of a puzzle. Further down the trail I come alongside a creek and I follow it up a little ways on foot to the waterfall above, listening to the crashing roar....like the silence of music! I continue as the path wends it's way along the mountainside, there are many spots where the rock was blasted to make way for the train tracks. I stop beside a peaceful pond, a good place to sit and reflect....just as the trees and pair of Mallard ducks are reflecting off the water like a mirror. Now I'm beyond, the spirit is soaring.....elated! And I keep going, the Trail is narrow in spots where the rock was blasted thru and I feel encompassed, cradled by huge stone arms. Up in the distance I see a Tunnel like a dark cave, an enormous archway that was built out of the mountainside to allow passage for the train. And as I approach I can see bright blue sky and trees coming thru at the other end as though in a picture frame. And the ride just keeps going like this. There are a few Inukshuks along the way, keeping a watchfull eye and I passed only one pilgim.....we stopped, traded some almonds for cashews, drank water and continued on my way until I found a spot to rest before my return journey. As I was lying on my back looking up at the clouds I could see two birds circling high overhead. I tried to get a picture of that last time, the only time I had the camera with me. The pictures came out all sky and no bird!!! I was chasing them, they were eluding me. And then a big shadow swept over me, a Raven. He soared slowly above me and so closely, as if to tease me, and all I could do was chuckle to myself as I'm sure he was too.

AT ONE WITH MUSIC

We do not get a lot of musical entertainment here in Penticton....but it's starting. The Dream Cafe, a rather small restaurant here, has been bringing an interesting array of musicians to town. And last nite I went to see www.robertmichaels.com. The write up about him said he played guitar in the style of Ottmar Liebert and Jesse Cooke. One of his Albums recieved a Juno Award for Best Instrumental of the Year, he's Canadian born from Toronto. I enjoyed his music, he played some Santana as well and did a lively rendition of "Classical Gas". Well I brought my 16 yr old daughter, Saffron, with me. She not only loved the music but was amazed at seeing him play and watching his hands. Being a classical piano player herself, she could appreciate that! Music has always been a lovely connection we share between us, and this will be a fond memory.
When the Band took a break some music came on in the background. A familiar song by Leonard Cohen, Dance Me to the End of Love, sung by a women with a smooth jazz/blues voice. I asked the owner who it was and he instantly said "Madeleine Peyroux, and we are trying to bring her here in September." Now where did I hear that name before....

WONDERING

I went out for a late Evening walk last night...and began to feel wonder! Oh that is a great word ( marvel, quality of exciting amazed admiration, rapt attention, awesomely mysterious) Just to look up at the black star- lit sky and see how all the stars are connected to one another..... just to feel how we as souls, shining points of radiant light, are all connected to one another.

GRATEFULL

Somedays, all I want to do is be outside! That makes it difficult when I am at work and the sun is calling me out to play. I was feeling that tug today, and was observing the little war going on in my mind. However, I begin my morning, I have 8 to 10 people to wakeup, wash up and dress up for breakfast....I walked into the first woman's room, gently touching her shoulder with a cheery goodmorning. She wakes instantly and is ready to get up, it's ingrained in her after so many years. There was just a tiny crack of sunlight coming in thru the curtains and she happily remarked, it's a beautiful day! "How do you know that?" I asked her. She said, "I can see the light coming in thru the window". And that was enough for her, no desire to go outside, just happy knowing it. And I remember to be where I am. I begin to notice all the little things around me, there is a small potted plant covered in rich purple blooms sitting on the dresser, a Cala Lily beginning to unfold into a beautiful pure white in the hallway. Now I enter my last room, and there is an arrangement of yellow Forsythia branches standing in a jar of water....this is one of the first trees to come into bloom, a sure sign of Spring! But I could smell something else very familiar which stirred my senses and my memory, and then I saw there were some long branches of a Poplar Tree tucked in with the Forsythia. Ahh, that sticky sweet fragrance of sap covered leaves filled the room, almost too pungent. I love that smell....and did I feel Gratefull for that moment!

Finding the Magic

Well it's taken me a little time to feel ready to begin writing. If nothing else, I feel it will be fun to just write down my thoughts, and put them on a page to see! I have just finished my day of work, it was a long one as I did a double shift, so I started at 7:00am and finished at 9:00pm. We are very short staffed, and once in a while I will work Overtime. I work in a Nursing Home for the elderly as a nurse's aide. We have 75 residents, many with dimentia of some sort, Alzheimers Disease, stroke victims, various chronic diseases and the usual degenerative diseases that come with very old age, oh yes, and constipation, that's a big one!! The average age is around 90 years old, with a few young ones in their late 6o's early 70's. I have been working in this Home for 21 years....almost half my life!!! So it doesn't really feel like a job anymore, just another part of my life. A part which I am appreciating more all the time because there is something new for me to learn everyday. Let's call it finding the magic.
As I was leaving work tonite, I was remembering the first day I started doing this type of work. It was when I was 16 , in Saskatchewan where I was born and raised. My Father owned a gas station and we were expected to work there pumping gas. Feeling awkward in the world and painfully shy, I hated this job dealing with the public. So on my 16th birthday, I walked into a nursing home, applied for a job and got hired the same day! There was no education or experience needed then. I didn't have a CLUE why or how I ended up there, but there I was! And I liked it, I was comfortable around these people and I could just be me! I may have thought I was helping them but they were helping me, and unknowingly, so began the start to a spiritual journey. Being young and naive was a blessing for me because I knew nothing except that I had a very deep regard for the elderly. And as the saying goes, when you give respect you get respect.....and it's not about what you do but how you do it. This is where the magic lies in Life. And until today, I am still learning from these elders and finding the Magic.